Ahuv Sheli

We learn to appreciate life by living it... I was out for a while... hibernating...this time, with a friend who snatched me away  from my ab'normal' crazy days leaving behind tons of work in my desk and my phone mute (for several days) . I was unmindful of the endless calls and messages at home and in the office.  I have not been my 'usual' self since the pilgrimage I had in 2019. A wall I have carefully built between myself and others was torn down and I felt myself vulnerable once again  in the face of familiar people.  I thought that I have outgrown the hurts that I have in the past but experiencing the Lord in Jerusalem exposed my brokenness ~ I started feeling again. The voices I have learned to drown emerged and the pains were unburied.  I thought tears was a sign of weakness (I have stopped crying for five years) . But I  lost my composure before His tomb... I did not lose my peace... I realized that I never had it in the first place....

It is okay to ask questions... When God asked me to offer Him my friends, my hands were closed... I wanted them to myself... I did after a while but retained a few... He visited me again and asked me to give Him ALL...  As I slept my way Monday night, a sudden rush of peace overcame me as I realized that the one I was holding onto wasn't born of real love... for a while, this person divided my heart and crushed me into pieces... And after that, I realized how much I was loved by Sam... and how much he protected me from this person...I should've listened earlier to keep me away from pain... but I realized that there are THREE who are always with me in the end... God...Sam...and my mom... I asked Sam to give me a hug yesterday... I felt him supporting me through everything...  What is it that I did? I set the other one free... my heart is made for Sam... As I begin my life today...at this hour at this very moment...I am still grateful for everything...