Ahuv Sheli

These past few days, I am beginning to realize that I have been dealing with my insecurities by flooding my cart with stuffs... and the bigger my self-doubt, the more expensive the items I checked out.  Before I would babble constantly about almost anything... but after my trip from the province, I decided to relearn keeping "things" in "private"...  not for fear of being judged nor criticized (because the carpers will never cease to exist) but to allow the moments to sink in... deeply...  I would lose myself in my dreams and write them in my journal.  In one dream, I was robbed of my laptop and phone... my means of communication to the outside world...  In another dream, I saw two of my cousins being murdered by people I knew from the past...  I would wake up finding myself relieved despite those unpleasant circumstances. I have let out hidden emotions of anger and frustration in my subconscious.  Perhaps, my dreams are not as frightening as they seem to be

It has been a long while since I wrote. I have many things in my mind but work always gets the better of me. I've set aside drawing and music. I felt tense about deadlines but I still added food on my plate (that meant less time for recreation) and I kept going... BUT if there is one thing we can never postpone... it would be the death of a loved one or a person we knew. I was torn between celebrating and mourning last Christmas. It was already the 23rd of December when my batchmate broke the news of Sr. Beth's death. Our last conversation was in November before she had her radiation. I saw how fragile she was in a birthday photo shared by one of the sisters who was with her during her treatment. She still wanted to live and still had plans she wanted to carry out, that is why I changed my prayer and asked God if He could grant that miracle. The Lord knows best... her time was up. On the 2nd of January, while the world rejoiced with hope for the coming of 2022, another family w