Ikigai Second Part

These past few days, I am beginning to realize that I have been dealing with my insecurities by flooding my cart with stuffs... and the bigger my self-doubt, the more expensive the items I checked out.  Before I would babble constantly about almost anything... but after my trip from the province, I decided to relearn keeping "things" in "private"...  not for fear of being judged nor criticized (because the carpers will never cease to exist) but to allow the moments to sink in... deeply...  I would lose myself in my dreams and write them in my journal.  In one dream, I was robbed of my laptop and phone... my means of communication to the outside world...  In another dream, I saw two of my cousins being murdered by people I knew from the past...  I would wake up finding myself relieved despite those unpleasant circumstances. I have let out hidden emotions of anger and frustration in my subconscious.  Perhaps, my dreams are not as frightening as they seem to be


He came to my mind and I realized that it was his birthday today. A decade has passed since he left and plans of marriage after two years of being with him were dissolved... I'll always remember how my mother and my colleagues helped me through the storm of losing him... and how God healed me after several years of tears and disillusionment. I waited for him to come back... but I have never heard of him again. I fought all the whys and maybes in my mind... As I write this, I no longer come from a place of hurt... I truly loved this person, God knows that.  I pray that he is happy wherever he is now... without me by his side... --- Through it all, I realized what God is... and what man is not... --- Suggested reading on Lessons of Hope Learned in the Storm by Ann Voskamp

Ikigai First Part

It has been a long while since I wrote. I have many things in my mind but work always gets the better of me. I've set aside drawing and music. I felt tense about deadlines but I still added food on my plate (that meant less time for recreation) and I kept going... BUT if there is one thing we can never postpone... it would be the death of a loved one or a person we knew. I was torn between celebrating and mourning last Christmas. It was already the 23rd of December when my batchmate broke the news of Sr. Beth's death. Our last conversation was in November before she had her radiation. I saw how fragile she was in a birthday photo shared by one of the sisters who was with her during her treatment. She still wanted to live and still had plans she wanted to carry out, that is why I changed my prayer and asked God if He could grant that miracle. The Lord knows best... her time was up. On the 2nd of January, while the world rejoiced with hope for the coming of 2022, another family w

The Reason

Most of the time, I think, I have never been grateful enough for the years I was given to live... I always find myself at the 'losing end.' My emotions get worked up easily and I exhaust myself. I am so eager to end things (sooner, and that included relationships). I have prepared everything and even friends for my funeral... I remember my friend and co pilgrim's shocked face when I took her to the colombarium on our first meetup... telling her that this is where she would visit me when I die. My mind was always geared towards my early demise. I almost ended it out of despair while I was being treated for depression. How could I even ask God for death when He has not seen me yet live the life He wanted me to live? ---- I saw a viral Tiktok post on my colleague Russel's timeline and it was enough to reduce me to tears... I remembered all those who reached out and held their hands to me when I almost gave up on life... I might not be aware of it, but I m

Blissful Days part 1: Opening our wounds to Christ

We learn to appreciate life by living it... I was out for a while... hibernating...this time, with a friend who snatched me away  from my ab'normal' crazy days leaving behind tons of work in my desk and my phone mute (for several days) . I was unmindful of the endless calls and messages at home and in the office.  I have not been my 'usual' self since the pilgrimage I had in 2019. A wall I have carefully built between myself and others was torn down and I felt myself vulnerable once again  in the face of familiar people.  I thought that I have outgrown the hurts that I have in the past but experiencing the Lord in Jerusalem exposed my brokenness ~ I started feeling again. The voices I have learned to drown emerged and the pains were unburied.  I thought tears was a sign of weakness (I have stopped crying for five years) . But I  lost my composure before His tomb... I did not lose my peace... I realized that I never had it in the first place.  A gentle reass

Gift of Realizations

The day is almost done and I quickly wrote this on my wall: Today, I resolved that I need not be the person everybody wants or wishes me to be. I realized that I am loved for who I am and not for what I do or do not do. I realized that I am blessed no matter what. Everything is grace.  I have passed the long quarantine wait unscathed.  I have come across fire and was not burned.  I have weathered the storms, experiencing deep calm inside. I realized that I have both the good and wicked inside of me  but I am capable of conversion because of God's mercy and grace. I am simply grateful for being alive...  I am blessed... I have family... I have friends...and I believe in love. Grazie a Dio ... grazie di tutto ... Io confido in Te+

The New Normal: Of Masks and Social Distancing

A co-pilgrim once shared that their government opened up a place for them to jog while on quarantine. He said the ennui was suffocating and it was refreshing to see the sunset and walk by the beachside to breathe clean air. Flashback to the second week of March at work, all of the conferences scheduled this year, including our Annual Convention, were postponed. Our head told us to "chill" for a week while we awaited news.  These two and a half months were far from relaxing. We had to stay home together while the "curve is being flattened," and while a vaccine is being developed against COVID-19.  Work from home was instilled.  At first, I hesitated to stay in the house but then we were forced to. The house which we formerly referred to as a "hotel" was gradually transformed into a real home. I developed a friendship with my older sister. The family started eating together... there was more time for conversations... more caring... more praying t