Leaving The Garden of Eden: Passage to Freedom

"One of the most radical demand for you and me is the discovery of our lives as a series of movements or passages---it seems as though we are always passing from one phase to next, GAINING and LOSING SOMEONE, SOME PLACE, SOMETHING...and everytime there are losses there are choices to be made...Nouwen, Finding My Way Home, 135-37.

-reflections March 19, 2009 at 4:30pm-

I was typing my resume a few weeks ago and my little sister told me to include a full description of the jobs I've had the past years.As I did, I began to be grateful to the lost years I had. They weren't bad after all. It was like looking at my life tapestry again and all those converging or arbitrary occasions were confirmations to some greater events in my life...

clinical depression - existential hunger for God
inner child problems - call to greater trust
departure - birth of my niece
30 day retreat - Resurrection
left foot fracture - physical, emotional, spiritual healing
my brother's dilemma - profound understanding of relationships
crisis - challenge to fidelity
bipolarity - transfomation/ self revelation
running away - coming back home
confrontations - realizations
pain of separation - strength to LOVE more

These experiences made me realize that there is a GOD --- a higher force that moves in my life. They made me see that I need others for healing...that there are things that cannot be changed by ordinary circumstances and that there are many things I still have to work on myself...

I was so focused on what I've lost...

10 years of my life, success in my work, a dream family, a future husband, twins, my youth, friends, my reality...


I fell into a depression that challenged my relationship with God---it was the ultimate string that snapped...
I wasn't perfect after all, nor good, nor as kind-hearted nor as generous as I've projected myself to be...in reality i was ego-centered...people pleaser...
I was like what God wanted me to be...ME-- without pretensions, without masks, without fear of being judged...All that God ever wanted was to grant me FREEDOM to become FULLY ALIVE, that's all.

And as hard as it was to swallow, it disappointed a lot of people I knew... I wasn't what "they" thought i was...
The great battle ended in my mind as I made my choice --- I chose LIFE, I chose LOVE, I chose GOD...
So the garden of Eden I left was my comfort zone...it's a place I oftentimes go back to when I feel insecure, or rejected or when I fall into the deceits of the world...
As I face the REAL world...I can still be a balance to the world's hatred...I have only to offer GOD's LOVE which I am experiencing as I write my entry.

The Sacred Place

Like Moses before the burning bush, we took off our shoes as we entered the Hindu temple...

It was the first time I ever saw one...

In Chinatown, Singapore is built the oldest hindu temple... We saw the different faces of the hindu gods displayed on the roof and ceilings of the sacred place...

    There was a ceremony at that time... 

As we moved along, observing... listening... I became present to the great variety of forms we could actually communicate with the Sacred within...

When I sail the oceanic

Mystery of Silence,

Inspiration comes as a breeze

Which divides the sea

Down to her depths...

                    THE SACRED PLACE

Call it a desert,

A cave,

A Hermitage,

Call it a Temple,

A Sanctuary,

An inner castle of a mystic

Or a Carmel of a Saint.

It's the space where wholeness dwells

Where eternity embraces time,

Where the Mighty One is weak.

The Master simply called it thy room,

Where to be is to understand

"Be still..."

"The Father and I are One."

by mdej,ocd, Religious Life Asia:Interreligious Dialogue and Consecrated Life,Vol.3,no.4,Oct-Dec,2001,33

In Te, Signore Il Mio Oggi

"Quello che mi accadra oggi, mio Dio, non lo so. Tutto quello che so e che nulla mi accadra che tu non abbia provveduto e disposto per il mio maggior bene. QUESTO SOLO MI BASTA." - Beato G. Alberione

Translation: That which happens to me, my God, I don't know. All that I know is that nothing happens to me that You have not envisioned and disposed for my betterment. ONLY THIS IS ENOUGH.


- reflections feb. 2011-
I made several reflections on this passage... One day, I ask about freedom... the next, my itinerary... I see it growing day by day with the arrival of new experiences... thoughts... insights... even mistakes made... 


Answers come at the right moment... when I see myself calm and ready to listen...like my most recent experience...


An earlier discussion with someone very dear to me led me to delete all my male friends in my list and to rest from social networking for a while ... it broke my heart at first... I have grown into the habit of opening my laptop just to greet my friends or share my reflections for the week...


A change in my usual patterns created tension...I just have to see the wisdom in all this... 


Light came pouring down on me as I read the Gospel on the 5th of February. Jesus said, "Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while..." (Mk. 6, 31a)... I repeated David's psalm (23,2)..."in green pastures you let me graze; to safe waters you lead me; you restore my strength..."


It was what God wanted at the moment... to rest... 
                                             and at the same time, to give others some rest too...


I often wrote my friends how much I think and pray for them... Our mind is so powerful! I could actually sense when one is thinking of me... it could be so engaging and at the same time exhausting... 


so I brought my tent and left...

-reflections March 18, 2009 at 10:09pm

Jan 20 5:31 PM-

I saw Rustom Padilla...oops Bibi (i 'm not sure if i spelled it correctly) Gandanghari the other day on one of the gossip shows of ABS-CBN...he/she looked...ahmm...different. I just can't find the right words yet to describe this person...and yet at the same time as i looked at him with amazement, i can't help but admire his self-revelation...i knew that deep inside him there's a certain contentment that fills his personality changes...i knew he found his way to freedom.
And yet as simple as i spell the word FREEDOM is, its definition is as complex as my thought processes...even as I fight for freedom of expression. What does REAL FREEDOM entails?

Pouring Out Thoughts

February 12, 2013 Update

As I wrote a new journal entry,  I realized that I've started writing for Blogger this very day, 12th of February, two years ago. 

An Italian missionary once told me that everything that I've learned will be put into practice in the years to come. I have been writing my journals since I was twelve and  coming online , thriving on new experiences and meeting very talented and ingenious people have helped shaped me into the creative person I am right now...

I haven't formally celebrated any blogversaries, but I'll keep in my mind all the people who've helped me start out this blog and who, for several years, have been constantly reflecting with me...

THANK YOU for all your love, support and inspiration!

----

For several days now, I've been asked by friends to write... one encouraged me to open up a blogger account to allow more readers to enjoy my journals... and for the entire week, I've been writing certain themes in my mind... only that I wasn't able to put them in paper...hmmm...

my niece Belle

In order to write, I think one must sit down and allot time to relish the experience of the day or of the hour... inspiriting a free flow of thoughts... without filtering...sans judgment...recognizing every emotion that has surged within... be it an explosion of anger or sadness... excitement or fear... For feelings cannot be recreated the exact same way nor felt in congruence with another situation... Music stirs emotions, yes... memories can either bring us to heights or fall flat on our faces... but the intensity of such thoughts will never be equal...


I've been listening to news and reading my friends blogs, journals, write-ups... I started meditating on God's Words early in the morning and a plus would be a short reflection on what seized my heart... even the news caught my attention... I saw myself reacting on certain commentaries...Again when certain issues need to be addressed, I immediately jot down points to ponder on...


I actually write the same way as I speak... thoughts may be diffused or inept...superfluous or might even be lacking... but I always manage to keep them deep and personal...


Perhaps that's why my friends like what I write because I speak directly to their hearts... and I listen with utmost attention...


Writing, basically, is self emptying... and words are life... as I pour down my thoughts today, I pray for all of those who seek time and find none... it's such a foolish thought... because here we are right now... writing, reading....sharing life ;)

my niece Belle