Saturday, February 19, 2011

Leaving The Garden of Eden: Passage to Freedom

"One of the most radical demand for you and me is the discovery of our lives as a series of movements or passages---it seems as though we are always passing from one phase to next, GAINING and LOSING SOMEONE, SOME PLACE, SOMETHING...and everytime there are losses there are choices to be made...Nouwen, Finding My Way Home, 135-37.

-reflections March 19, 2009 at 4:30pm-

I was typing my resume a few weeks ago and my little sister told me to include a full description of the jobs I've had the past years.As I did, I began to be grateful to the lost years I had. They weren't bad after all. It was like looking at my life tapestry again and all those converging or arbitrary occasions were confirmations to some greater events in my life...

clinical depression - existential hunger for God
inner child problems - call to greater trust
departure - birth of my niece
30 day retreat - Resurrection
left foot fracture - physical, emotional, spiritual healing
my brother's dilemma - profound understanding of relationships
crisis - challenge to fidelity
bipolarity - transfomation/ self revelation
running away - coming back home
confrontations - realizations
pain of separation - strength to LOVE more

These experiences made me realize that there is a GOD --- a higher force that moves in my life. They made me see that I need others for healing...that there are things that cannot be changed by ordinary circumstances and that there are many things I still have to work on myself...

I was so focused on what I've lost...

10 years of my life, success in my work, a dream family, a future husband, twins, my youth, friends, my reality...

I fell into a depression that challenged my relationship with God---it was the ultimate string that snapped...
I wasn't perfect after all, nor good, nor as kind-hearted nor as generous as I've projected myself to reality i was ego-centered...people pleaser...
I was like what God wanted me to be...ME-- without pretensions, without masks, without fear of being judged...All that God ever wanted was to grant me FREEDOM to become FULLY ALIVE, that's all.

And as hard as it was to swallow, it disappointed a lot of people I knew... I wasn't what "they" thought i was...
The great battle ended in my mind as I made my choice --- I chose LIFE, I chose LOVE, I chose GOD...
So the garden of Eden I left was my comfort's a place I oftentimes go back to when I feel insecure, or rejected or when I fall into the deceits of the world...
As I face the REAL world...I can still be a balance to the world's hatred...I have only to offer GOD's LOVE which I am experiencing as I write my entry.


  1. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

  2. nice thinking. But u have to learn new lessons from the failures of u and also by others

  3. Melissa, I see you and I feel you dear.... Always that the only true friend you can find in this world is GOD... so just trust in Him and you will be all right and all those people who have rejected you will come to realize how wonderful a person you are really..... It's a challenge every time to please others as much as we want them to like us too but life is a battlefield.... Know your position, fight with dignity and most of all love yourself <~~~~ those are your shield.... All the best and God bless you always...;) Cheers!

  4. I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is.”
    This is what makes you such an amazing person,your inner thoughts are so powerful...God bless you sweetheart...

  5. Melissa your posts invariably reflects the kind of person you are, strong, kind, sensitive, over all a beautiful human being. Just have faith in yourself and your god.

  6. I see this, feel this and relate to this so strongly. I'm sorry I missed this when it was first posted.