Neverland
part 1
One of the constant dramas I've had over the past years has something to do with relationships. I wonder if this constant push and pulls inside me would ever cease.
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I have just updated my vision board when Linda Lee asked me about it...
Flashing back, she once asked me about the role models I have in life and I started enumerating the names of different saints. She beamed over the status I dreamt for myself and suggested that I start shifting my gears towards that mode...
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There is inside me that wishes to stay on a spiritual level ~ one of my animators told me that I do reflect a lot but have to be careful in overanalyzing and feeding my ego. It's the 'me' that says that God and the 'children' come first. 
The other side wishes to forget God's call and just go with the flow of human nature. Reaching to that furthest end of temptation to commit something for the heck of it.
Reaching my base ~ id.
It becomes increasingly alarming as it rings a very high note at the very depths of my being...
It's the one that says I wish to be married and have kids of my own...
It just isn't me and it is me at the same time...
This conflict goes on and sometimes I try to push people who are getting too intimate but at the same time I crave for so much attention ~ inordinate attachments...
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 I nudge any attraction... So, I asked a friend to pray over my addictions to keep my balance. Unlike 'substance' where I could just easily pick a name, 'behavioral' is kind of tricky... How do I call mine?
~ a high demand for respect ~
~ being 'good' all the time ~
~my thorn in the flesh~
...soft addictions?...
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~images in pencil and charcoal drawn by me (2010)~
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I personally think this is just fine, after all God created us human.
ReplyDeletePerhaps Izdiher...It would make sense if I just allow things be...;)
DeleteMelissa, it is natural, especially when young, to have conflicting feelings about which direction you should take. There is no sin in wishing for marriage and a family as those are blessed by God. However, you seem to be struggling with a deeper feeling, as if God is calling you to some purpose or service, and you're not sure if you can follow.
ReplyDeleteKeep praying, be awake and aware in listening for His guidance. He will show you the way and make your paths straight.
Much love to you, my dear!
Martha
Oh Martha, I have so many questions ~
DeleteHow come some people just lead their lives quietly? After college, they go to work, marry, have kids and grow old together...
How come it's easier for others to discern their vocation?
I will reflect on the other things you wrote... I will persevere.
Thank you so much for your love, prayers and support. I believe that God will show the way...
Lots of love Martha :*
I agree with Martha soul sis. It is very natural to look for mate and want to have children, to be attracted to someone. And yet at the same you have this almost monastic side to you that is always a conflict in you....to surrender to it or be like any young beautiful woman with all her needs and desires. I hope you find the balance my sweet sis.Love you
ReplyDeleteThank you soul sis ~ I wish I could just be simpler :) Lots of love :*
DeleteGod knows we are human..in fact he knows all....if we are human we are going to have human wants and needs...I think it's ok ...I think God gets it because he gets us.....God would not want us to punish ourselves..etc just for having what he created us to be human.. the good and the bad..... balance I hope we all find at one time or another in our lives... I love you...As always...XOXOXOXO
ReplyDeleteThanks Bonnie love! You hit the right word ~ God would not want us to 'punish' ourselves... Even my SD said that life shouldn't be lived in mortification. It has been practiced before but God wishes that we be more creative at this time and not pattern our lives from the saints of the past...
DeleteBalance ~ I do hope it'll come...
You understood me well :*
Dear Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI think I relate to your issues more than you know. I considered becoming a minister for many years and I struggle daily with my inability to live up to my own high standards of spiritual discipline.
For myself, I ended up with a man who needs plenty of 'alone time' as I do. We only see each other once every couple or few weeks. The rest of my time is devoted to my art and my teaching, which is my ministry. Yet my relationship with Mr. C is the most intimate partnership I've ever experienced.
The Lord works in mysterious ways. Don't worry. All will be revealed perfectly as you are ready.
XOXOXOXO
Thank you so much Linda. You have opened my eyes again to believe...
DeleteNew questions arise in my heart and I know it'll take time to answer them again...
but from what you've shared, I understood that God gives us exactly what we need...
Will continue reflecting on what you wrote me...
Oh so mysterious really!
Lots of love :*
I have always believed,from the day we came across each other,that you are someone extremely special...and at times,I think God waits to give those "special" people the best......all your dreams will come true,I believe in God,and I know you will find happiness,peace and everything you have ever wanted....soon.
ReplyDeleteGod bless u,and lots of love to u.
Thank you so much soul sis... everybody's special in God's eyes.
DeleteI, too, believe so much that God wishes me to be happy... in time...yes...
Lots of love!
Somehow, I also have this dilemma. Maybe God, in time, will be able to make things clearer, as to what His purposes are for our lives.
ReplyDeleteOooo Jocelyn...maybe I'm in a hurry to know because I have a few years left to bear a child... in God's time, yes, in His perfect time, everything will be revealed.
DeleteThank you :*
Hi Wrey and Robby, I visited your blog yesterday and I think it's pretty cool :) I wouldn't wish to oblige you to read my posts, you are welcome here anytime :)
ReplyDeleteForever young ~ I think that's every person's dream... but to have a Peter Pan Syndrome would be really difficult. So I guess, being young comes in different forms :)
Stay in love, that'll keep your heart young ;)
I think it's really easy for us who are spiritual to find a balance between the things of this world and the eternal. The things of this world are constantly competing for our attention and very alluring. At the same time God often calls us to be actively in this world and you can be both a saint and a wife and mother if you so choose. Just keep searching within sis..He'll give you all the answers you need. I know it can be difficult..keep moving forward...You have such a beautiful heart. :)
ReplyDeleteI love that you are both...I have added you among my ideal couple friends aside from Martha. This tension I think will never cease but I could see God everywhere... I will keep listening sis... thanks and lots of love :*
DeleteLots of realizations after reading this.
ReplyDeleteSame here Olivr and a lot more arising each day. Thanks for visiting my blog. I read your post from last year over at yours...
DeleteGod bless always!
Melissa I've been in your place and have felt the constant struggle. It was made worse by priests and some single persons telling me that I had a vocation. But deep within I didn't feel the calling to be single. However, I felt a calling to be different. It took me years of struggle and making some huge mistakes in relationships to realize that I was really fighting God and harming myself too- trying to rebel at times and trying to follow at times. It was when I let go completely, knowing that I didn't have the answers, that He really seemed to take over. I met Jose and through our relationship, I've discovered myself. About my mission, I think it continues to be a search in many ways and yet I am at peace, knowing that God is at work within and through me. We may never have the answer until we stop asking the questions, I feel at times. I wonder if the Saints had all the answers too - I'm convinced that they struggled too, until they let go and let God be God - therein lay their greatness.
ReplyDeletePlease know that I am praying for you to find answers for your tomorrow, not the distant future, but the day to day.
Thank you so much BS. It's consoling to learn that many people are walking on the same road and I always have to learn things the hard way... yes, letting God... that's the key :*
DeleteThanks for your prayers BS and know that I am praying with you always. Lots of love!
Young, middle aged, middle of nowhere or old....we are all human and we keep yo-yoing between our choices. Good luck and love to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Janu...I believe what you said about choices :) What makes me glad is that we have the power to choose :* Lots of love!
DeleteOnly a pure heart can open out itself in such wonderful manner! Dearest Mom, I wonder whether I'd ever be able to fathom the depth of your loving heart.
ReplyDelete-Portia
Only God could...thanks Portia :)
Delete"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you all the desires of your heart." ~King David. I know it's a struggle and the waiting patiently, is the hardest part. But, He knows our deepest desires and will fulfill them in His timing, which I often joke with Him and say His timing is REALLY slow!!! haha We continue to seek Him first and He WILL add everything else to us!!! It's not always easy, but all your needs will be met! You're BEAUTIFUL... inside and out!!! xo
ReplyDeleteIt's like going over a screwtape :P...It's so true what you said on seeking God first...
DeleteOoo perhaps I really need to tune in to God's timing :P what is fast for Him is slow for us and vice versa ;)
Grazie tanto bella :*
Melissa, Listen to your inner voice, you will get your answer. I know it sounds simple but it is very difficult to do but God gives us strength to make these decisions. I am praying for you too, lots of love and light coming your way. God bless <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for your very wise words Sulekha love :* I will keep on listening :)
DeleteDear Melissa, just remember that God`s time is not our time. Just keep on praying and listen to His voice. He knows what is best for you and will give it to you at the right time :) Have a wonderful weekend!
ReplyDeleteThank you Nelieta :* I will I promise :)
DeleteOh may gawd! Oooowww, this topic is quite a taboo for me. Temptations are certainly hard to resist. hahah...I feel weird talking about it though I'm open to these things...ahehehe...
ReplyDeleteNeverland...It is nice to stay young but I always believe that everybody fades...beauty as well. What I fear is that when I'm already old, I wasn't able to live a life. So today, as what my header says, "Living life to the fullest!"...
Good luck Melissa!
Among my young friends, I think you understood how it feels like... temptations will always be there but how we react to them and how we handle them is up to us...and of course, God's grace...
DeleteCarpe Diem Key :D Cheers ~ to the fullest!