Sunday, June 23, 2013

Noli Foras Ire: Journey Inwards

...I opened up a box I have kept hidden for years…

"You were within me, but I was outside..."
Late Have I loved You (St. Augustine's prayer)~ 


While this is an anticipation to the next chapters of The Purpose Driven Life, it is also a response to Rick Warren's 20th Chapter on Restoring Broken Relationships.

"Who do the crowds say that I am?" ~ Lk. 9,18 NIV

I took in a few days away from the net ~ Rick Warren, my prayer partner, intimate friends, work, one-week laundry (?)... I packed up my things Friday afternoon and spent time with a young sage.

A few days before I left, I felt a light bulb switched everywhere inside of me (mirroring; enlightenment) , and I began to see the dark creatures that crawled in my being (sins), snatching me away from my focus. My intimate friend redirected  me to the road of gratitude but I felt  wounds opening up and I just couldn't face them at that moment.

I shared that I felt 'unworthy' of many things... and I was starting to hate myself for my weaknesses. For the most part, there was a need to reconcile with 'me'...

 I needed a quiet time...

The sage, in fact, spoke no words. 

I just anticipated her needs... 

        slowly taking my focus away from myself...

       away from the crowd...

and I saw the truth in her eyes...

"God created my inmost being;
    God knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise God because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." ~ Ps. 139, 13-14

The crowd knows me from what they see... but God knows who I really am...inside out...

Who people say that I am became less important... 

I've always left hints of my past life in my blog but never spoke of them as 'plainly'  as I did now.

Nobody probed just as much as my intimate friend did... I resisted then I yielded...

I yielded as God made me see everything in faith...

"Let light shine out of darkness."

"...we're tethered to a story we must tell..." 
~ Ryan O' Neal (Sleeping at Last)~

I rose from the ashes of molestation 
 and  depression 

I was a missionary...
and I left and began a new life...

"...but what about you, who do You say that I am?" ~ Luke 9, 20 NIV

Related reflections/ supplement readings:

Gospel today, 12th Sun of OT, Lk. 9, 18-24
Catholic Online: Holding the Treasure in Earthen Vessels by Deacon Keith Fournier
Holly Gerth's Yes, Your Life Matters


  1. Reconciliation with myself -- I need that one terribly. My inner critic has been screaming with a megaphone every. single. day. But I just let her do it and I continue to do what my heart tells me to do.

    I read two of the links in this post for the first time. You are a beautiful person inside and out, Melissa. And I think God is making you an instrument to those who are yet to rise from whatever ashes they are in, like me.

    *Hugs to you* Shalom and God bless <3

    1. *Hugs to you too Irene... I feel for you and perhaps, at one point, you'll be ready to face yourself ~ your true self, that is.

      Thank you so much for looking at those stories in such a positive light. You are already rising...

      Lots of love to you Irene!

  2. We are tethered to many stories, which we must let go of. Leave them be so that we can be who we really are without all those stories. Without all the limitations the stories hold. Without all the fears our stories cultivate and nurture. We must release the past and move forward, carrying the strength of our lessons, learnings, and pain, into the now. Meeting God face to face and finally realizing how much we look like him.

    Melissa you are beautiful. <3

    1. I love what you wrote Leah~ of all people, it is you who have a deep understanding of 'such stories.' I look at them now as 'blessed, blessed' stories...

      Thank you for your wisdom ~ lots of love always!

  3. Dearest Melissa,
    Sometimes the broken relationship which needs to be restored is the one within our own hearts. We need to learn how to love ourselves, be gentle with the precious soul we are, and forgive ourselves for what we perceive as wrongs committed.
    May God keep guiding you and helping you become that beautiful soul He intends you to be. His love for you knows no bounds! He wants nothing more than for you to be in right relationship with Him and with yourself.
    Love to you, my precious friend!

    1. I was so touched by what you wrote dear Martha. To be patient, to be gentle, to forgive and most of all to love ~ I take them to my heart...

      Thank you so much for the love you share with me and your prayers... I always say I'm working on patching things up ~ but I rely on God's mercy and grace in order to do so.

      Love you so much!

  4. Melissa - beautiful post and hey, what a cute sage:) That niece of yours is filled with truth, but also wisdom (and charm:)

    You're telling these stories and letting go of some of your most painful and hurtful past. And in the process showing us that we can all do so. We can tell our stories and release ourselves from the weight of them.

    God is so powerful He can heal all wounds, help us move forward and strengthen us from the lessons He's taught us. Thank you for being a continued inspiration and sharing God's glory!

    The tiny sage seems extremely reflective in that photo above:)

    1. And the sage spoke no words Vishnu... it's the purity of her soul, her innocence that I saw in her eyes. The one that hasn't been covered with layers of pretensions and masks...

      Amen to what you wrote. I believe that God heals wounds...

      There are still miles to go in the journey but I thank God for my co-journeyers... you are a blessing!

      Lots of love and prayers!

  5. very true, sweet mom, God really knows me inside-out and whenever a bad thought/angry word/jealousy enters my mind, I immediately feel like holding a burning coal in my heart and try to correct myself and succeed many a times.

    1. Oh dear daughter, I received your comments ~ be at peace. I have tried to moderate but I guess, it's not necessary as it creates confusion...

      Only through God's grace dear one ~ grace, love and mercy. He do know us through and through (Ps. 139)and so only in Him are we justified...

      Lots of love!