I was in deep sleep when I was awakened by a rattling noise outside my bedroom... Oh nuts! It's the first time I had longer sleep since my baby niece arrived... I found out that it was my dad rummaging over his things... He just retired from his work in the Architects Association and he brought all his papers along with him... I noticed how much space he created after clearing things out...
I went through my stuffs and did the same thing. I looked at my old albums, letters, cassette tapes, diaries and books...hmmm...I couldn't bring myself to throw any of them because they carried many memories...
I remember my brother when he broke up with his girl.They threw away all the stuffs they gave each other---clothes, perfumes, blankets, watches --- and along with it, the memories they've shared for three years...
My spiritual father told me that keeping or throwing things that were once special to me could be associated with my past...
Most often, I'd rather cast bitter things aside...it's easier that way... I mean throwing things... we say it's detachment... but true detachment doesn't come with bitterness and misunderstanding. It has something to do with closure and acceptance. I consider all the relationships that I had as full experiences... nothing is considered hebel (empty)...
LESSONS IN LIFE...
I believe that there are more lessons in life than mistakes. I've repeated that to myself over a million times and I still have to repeat it again when things don't happen the way I think it should have been.
The best lesson so far is the one I received now... NEVER OVERWATER A PLANT...if I'll apply that to a person it will be translated as: GIVE THE PERSON YOU LOVE SOME SPACE. This goes for all the relationships I had. Most of the time I ask why I ever demand so much time from my lover. It's actually myself I'm satiating when it should have been the other way around...
While sharing thoughts with a friend last night and praying over what she told me...(un'altro scosso)... God made me realize that He had opened all the doors for me and I was the only one keeping myself from entering. Those words were very powerful...La risposta e' dentro....nella profondita' del cuore (The answer is inside in the profundity of the heart)...
why do I keep fighting you off?
One part of me wants you desparately,
another part of me unknowingly
pushes you back and runs away.
What is there in me that
so contradicts my desire for you?
These transition days, these passage ways,
are calling me to let go of old securities,
to give myself over into your hands.
Like Jesus who struggled with the pain
I, too, fight the "let it all be done."
Loneliness, lostness, non-belonging,
all these hurts strike out at me,
leaving me pained with this present goodbye.
I want to be new but I hang unto the old.
I want to live but I won't face the dying.
I want to be whole but cannot bear
to gather up the pieces into one.
Is it that I refuse to be out of control,
to let the tears take their humbling journey,
to allow my spirit to feel its depression,
to stay with the insecurity of "no home"?
Now is the time. You call to me,
begging me to let you have my life,
inviting me to taste the darkness
so I can be filled with the light,
allowing me to lose my direction
so that I will find my way home to you.
Praying Our Goodbyes
...So learn to let go and choose carefully which you want to stay,
because like the sand, only those which are in the center of your palm will last.. .